Here I am playing once or twice weekly. Live. Just me and my guitar. How did I get here? It is an amazing journey I am creating!
It was not so long ago that I watched “Jewel” live onstage in Vancouver doing the very same thing. It was a bigger venue. I was thunderstruck that one person could sit there in front of an audience – unshaken and undeterred – bold, bright, beautiful and perform. Ay yi yi!
The first time I performed in front of and audience (of 200) we were dancing a chacha. The dance went well with folks clapping in time and cheering. Great. I got sick almost immediately thereafter. Next, I found a place to lay down on the most comfortable carpet ever and fell asleep for two hours. Job Well Done! Jeez!
Fast forward to my first solo guitar open mic. The good news – I did not throw up. Ahh, sweet salvation. Well, my right leg that my guitar rests on was jumping up and down vigorously. Great, my guitar seems to do the same. I found a rung for my foot (all while playing and singing). I anchored against it. That lasted a full 12 seconds before my ankle starts to twitch uncontrollably in 4/4 speed timing. Dang! Back to the first method – full leg bounces. All this coupled with missing every fifth chord or so and a very shaky voice. Man what the hell am I doing here??? The good news – I did not fall off the stool into the audience and the audience were very king to this newbie. That was the end of my performing in public for a few years. But I still danced and those were going well.
I moved from White Rock to Osoyoos – the little town with four O’s and two stoplights. I played at home and danced here and there. I still loved that. I tried in earnest to play again at an open mic. Nope. So again in earnest I played every day the past year and went to the library to rework and print off songs that would suit my voice and personality.
I found an antique microphone and a small ac/dc amp. I played close to the door of my condo so (people might here me in the hallway). I played at a games night where no one could here me. I played at Christmas Tree decorating parties where I could barely be heard. Darn if that wasn’t working. Well in steps Jack, my neighbor. He works at a winery and after a few chats in the parkade he suggests I play at his winery. Great I respond! Shit – I – think! Well I did. I think! Nerves of steel and everything, Um, maybe not. But I did play. It helped when there was a small number of guests in the tasting room to start – then let them in gradually please. It usually takes me a few songs to get over the jitters. I learn when I play at home and the playing live is catching up. Jack kept inviting me back to play and it was working. I am greatly in awe (reverence and respect) of his kindness for getting me started.
My take – playing repeatedly in terror and fear does not work. It is not unlike repeatedly hitting your thumb deliberately with a hammer. Jeez! I do know a few pro’s that take medication to be up there. I hear of long time stars that have terrible stage fright – always – wow! My own answer is to work internally to discover the why and the wherefore. Listen to your intuition. Learn from your dreams. They are your greatest ally. Take lots of little steps that sometimes will become a big step, think “Grasshopper.” It has to fun and joyful. It is a celebration of light, sound, and freedom. It is a celebration. It is an expression of life itself.
